My sister kissed my husband in front of thirty people at her own anniversary party and called it a joke. Her husband had a wrapped present in his hands and an envelope she had never opened.

I could have had that in four minutes.

And I did not put it in, and the reason is not that I am a better person than that. The reason is that I worked out, sitting there, that if I watched it I would be doing the exact thing my whole family does.

Checking quietly. On my own. Instead of asking.

So at about two in the morning I put it back in the drawer, and on the Saturday I asked Ellis the question to his face, in a car park, sober, and he answered it.

That is the single thing in this entire account that I am proud of.

What I have had to take.

And now mine, which is the thing I have been circling for a year and a half and which I have said out loud to a woman called Halla on Wednesdays about forty times.