After losing her, I became terrified of hidden illnesses.
Things that could already be there.
Silent.
Growing.
Waiting.
me into another consultation.
The specialist placed several images in front of us.
“There is a mass on your right kidney.”
I froze.
“How long has it been there?”
“We can’t know exactly. But judging by its size, possibly several years.”
I gripped Thomas’s hand.
“Is it cancer?”
The doctor hesitated.
“We are concerned that it may be malignant. But the good news is that we appear to have found it relatively early.”
My hands immediately moved to my stomach.
“And my baby?”
“Your son looks healthy right now. We will coordinate everything carefully to protect both of you as much as possible.”
I stared at the scan.
Something had possibly been growing inside me for years.
No pain.
No symptoms.
No warning.
Then I asked the question that changed everything for me.
“If I had never gotten pregnant , when would you have found it?”
The doctor was silent for
a moment.
“Possibly much later.”
Thomas looked at me.
Neither of us said anything.
I thought about every person who had criticized me for wanting a baby at my age.
Every doctor who had warned me.
Every moment when I had wondered whether I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
And now the pregnancy everyone had feared might endanger me had revealed the very thing that might have eventually killed me.
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The following months were some of the hardest of my life.
My doctors monitored me constantly.
There were appointments where I cried before even walking through the hospital doors.
There were nights when Thomas and I stayed awake wondering whether we could emotionally survive another loss.
But our son kept growing.
And I kept fighting.
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At thirty-seven weeks, the doctors decided it was time
to deliver.
Labor progressed faster than expected.
A few hours after arriving at the hospital, I heard a baby cry.
A nurse placed him on my chest.
I stared at his tiny face.
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